I am inappropriate on a regular basis, I have been since childhood. Doing this without accidentally pissing people off, or even hurting people at times, takes work. I’ve learned how to work with this so everybody gets their needs met (or stepping away from situations, if that’s the best option available), and not always by masking, either. If anything, I tend to mask among non-autistic friends — masking is a way of saying “I trust you enough to shift gears for your benefit, not mine, and to do emotional labor to be able to talk with you”. If i don’t trust people, I’m definitely not masked. More like *starts yelling* or *goes mute*. It’s sort of like being in a room full of grad students and professors in mathematics, and they keep assuming that because you can write equations on a board, and got a C in Algebra I, that you’re “social peers”, when in fact: you’re lost (or in a format that gets used on the internet sometimes: lost???????????).

My guess is that for non-autistics, the social imperative is so strong/assumed/acculturated, that they just flow right past checking in with the autistic person, and assume “Well, you’re speaking (even if you can’t always speak), so therefore, you’re not *really* autistic. Therefore: what is wrong with you.” Or they just assume you’re neurotypical (NT) without thinking about it. Either way, they’re a blamey bunch of non-autistics.

I’m good at being inappropriate! I do script on a regular basis, though, especially for basic tasks — that can be exhausting as well, so I’m working on eliminating it via curb cuts, or dropping it altogether if possible. I grew up in some sort of early 1970s assessed (both neurologically and queer/transly, from the looks of things) suburban subaltern, and quickly learned that I needed to adapt and find what now are called “curb cuts” if i was going to survive and/or not wind up institutionalized.

Here’s some things I’ve learned that I’d like to share, in case they might help.

BASELINE:

This is important, and gets missed in some of the online conversations about “inappropriate behavior”: it’s ok to prioritize your needs. Read that again. Seriously, it’s OK — if it seems like nobody believes in you, I do. “But I did a horrible thing!” And? Capitalism both teaches, and forces, people to do horrible things. This doesn’t mean do whatever you want, though! More like “feed yourself first, so you can feed others later”.  If the situation is more serious, that’s where transformative justice and harm reduction (if needed) come into play.

PRACTICE:

First and foremost! If you’re confused by something — if it’s safe to ask, do it!

If it’s not safe to ask, make a note of what happened to research later, and get yourself out of the situation. Apologize, if you can.

If someone asks you to stop, stop. If you can’t stop, do your best to walk away, or otherwise end the conversation.

Again, don’t beat yourself up if you made a mistake! We learn from situations, not from abstractions. (You also have a right to be who you are if you don’t know how to learn, or refuse to learn. It may make things more complicated when you deal with other people, though. I’ve found this book to be very helpful, if you’re so inclined.

ACTION:

Stim! This includes aggressive stimming/sensory seeking. It’s possible to redirect self-injurious or “explosive” stimming into aggressive stimming, and with some practice, physically safer forms of one’s sensory diet. Loud, aggressive music works *really* well for me. I flail and stim dance until I’m regulated. I still pace a lot, but I’ve learned to pace and yell when it’s just me, rather than doing so at other people, and not only as my only out until the “pop bottle” explodes. A gentle nudge in a different direction can make all the difference. “But aren’t stims automatic?” Neurologically, probably — but that doesn’t mean you’re devoid of agency, either.

I’ve also regulated my senses visually, both from still images and from film/video. For some reason, really high-contrast, and at times, violent images work for me, especially if it’s so over-the-top that the “sensitive” part of my brain is like “Ha, good one! Human existence is suffering, liberate your desires! Good pun.” (What I can’t handle: realistic or hyper-realistic depictions of violence. I used to watch The Walking Dead, and after a while, it was pretty barftastic to keep up with. I am not fond of being eaten by zombies in white cop-led Hobbesian social horror scenarios that serve as a metaphor for the extended nuclear family under extreme duress. (The same can be said for The Governor or Negan.) Ridiculous, high-contrast, cartoon-like violence? Workable and very useful, in limited doses.

TW: suicide, institutionalization, gaslighting, alt-right, MRAs, abuse

Learn new ways! Look, the rules can be very confusing. Believe me, I know, and it’s fucking ableist how people demand that we understand things “spontaneously”. But it’s possible to learn from the research of other people like us. It’s also possible to get the wrong advice from people with ill intent, and wind up harming someone as a result. So be careful, but thrice-greatest Hermes: don’t beat yourself up! A lot of us (myself included) tend to do that way too much anyway. Research, explore, learn *in whatever way works best for you*. It doesn’t have to be via words or visuals. Learn how you learn, be how you be.

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