no caps for this one, says the inner dgaf editor.

i’m making progress on how the fuck to even compose anything at all because computer.

it’s frustrating that this isn’t talked about more. i started working on this actively in 2011, because i kept wanting to stim every time my hands touched an instrument, loaded a DAW or thought about either.

it took diagnosing myself to even start to get to solutions for that. i’m learning things that are either embedded in the Autistic self-advocacy literature, or that otherwise require working with an occupational therapist.

some things i’ve figured out:

• i have to stim. a lot. if i’m not stimming, it’s usually a sign that i’m getting overwhelmed and shutting down.
• i don’t have a single dominant mode of thinking. i’m visual-auditory-kinesthetic-analytical-sort-of-verbal.
• bright colors help integrate sensory diet into my work. two recent examples are below.

• music pulls together multiple interests of mine, and they exist both independently and inter-dependently. i have to honor all of those interests, or things like “i need to buy all the drum machines” or “why do i love this hardware even though it doesn’t work for me as a producer” or “arrgh, i’ll just watch steven universe instead” start happening. this is a daily thing for me. it actively interferes with my ability to work, if i don’t integrate it.
• there’s also subtle (and obvious) forms of stigma with liking things that have loud colors and note guides, especially among serious and professional musicians and producers. it can get viewed as being amateurish or unprofessional or corny, and i have to watch out for that sort of negative self-talk as well, because i’m undermining myself as a creative worker when i buy into it.

unsurprisingly, this leaves little energy for anything else, if left unchecked. so then, i’m either in sloth mode, starting to melt down more, or really, really bitchy. which affects my ability to interact with other people, neurotypicals and some neurodivergent non-autistics especially.

the “hidden curriculum” for interacting with neurotypicals comes up regularly, but what doesn’t get covered as much is what gets hidden from us, about us. all the more if you’re undiagnosed, or your diagnosis was suppressed. like i said earlier, i had no way to know until i did a lot of digging. it’s frustrating.

i’m relieved to be getting real answers though, even if it’s meant piecing together things on my own (and working to not get upset over the lack of good ‘by us, for us” materials that aren’t neurotypical-centric or patently false). i’m getting there.

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